Parenting in Crisis

Parenting can be one of the most difficult jobs we have to do (and one of the most rewarding), and it can become even more difficult when external stressors increase.  Currently, with the drastic changes that have taken place in our world due to COVID 19, many parents are feeling overwhelmed and are working hard to manage their own anxiety while also trying to manage their child(ren)’s anxiety.  So how do we take care of our own feelings and needs, when our children need us more than ever?  I’m sure you’ve heard people say, if the plane is going down put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others.  Well, that’s easier said than done!

One place to start can be with self-validation.  Recognize that you are an important person too, and that your feelings and thoughts matter just as much.  Several feelings that parents have reported include worry, confusion, helplessness, sadness, fear, frustration, and anger.

Another feeling that may be coming up is grief. Recognizing that you and members of your family may be feeling significant grief in this moment can make it easier to talk about.  We are having to say goodbye to many things (contact with family/friends, activities, classroom learning, and many more things) and are probably thinking of the many other things that will require a good-bye.  Anticipatory grief is the feeling we have about the uncertainty of our future and knowing that our world will inevitably be different, but not knowing in what way.  

When parents think about how this crisis may affect their child(ren) long-term, it can bring up thoughts of the worst-case scenario and can feel really scary.  Parents may also feel helpless when they are unable to provide answers to their child(ren)’s questions which could spike anxiety for both parents and child(ren).  Find balance in your thoughts.  If you think the worst-case scenario, then make yourself think of the best-case scenario.  Bring yourself and your child(ren) into the present moment and remind yourself that none of the worst-case scenarios have happened.  In this moment you are okay.

Parenting Tips

This is a time when parents need to take additional time to check in with themselves on a regular basis.  While it is important to be there for your child(ren) it is equally important to be there for yourself.  Here are some ideas on how to do this:

1.Take time each day to check in with yourself.  Notice how you are feeling, notice your thoughts as they come up, Observe and Describe the stressors or challenges have come up, without judgement. 

• Observe: Watch your thoughts and feelings come and go, don’t push them away, just notice them and let them happen even if they are painful.

• Describe: Label what you observe with words without interpretations.

• Don’t judge: Notice but don’t evaluate as good or bad. Acknowledge the harmful and the helpful, but don’t judge it. And when you find yourself judging, don’t judge your judging.

2. Sit in your feelings and ride them like a wave without trying to stop or control them.  In other words, don’t push your feelings away and don’t try to hold onto them either.  Remember you are NOT your emotions and you don’t need to act on them.  If you are experiencing painful emotions, remember times when you have felt differently. Name your emotions and be willing to experience them; where do you feel them in your body.  How can you show compassion toward that emotion?

3. Take time each day to check in with your child(ren).  Teach them how to just notice and sit with their feelings.  Work on accepting feelings without trying to change them or fix them or get rid of them or act on them.  All feelings are valid and provide us information.  Younger children may use play to communicate their feelings and thoughts; it is important for parents to take time out of their day to play with younger children so that they have an opportunity to communicate and express themselves to you.

4. Work on accepting the things you cannot change.  Rejecting reality doesn’t change reality and can cause suffering.  Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in unhappiness, anger, bitterness, or other painful emotions.  When you can’t solve a problem or change how you feel about the problem, try Acceptance as a way to reduce suffering.  Acceptance is a choice you may have to make over and over again.  It is the opposite of “why me?”

5. Give yourself permission to focus on your needs. Take time out of your day to connect with others who can validate your feelings, who you can share a laugh with, and who help to fill your bucket.  It’s good to receive validation from others who can understand what you are going through or who can just listen to you.

6. Prioritize needs.  Currently the need for safety and connection tend to be high for children.  Have patience when they day does not unfold as planned, or when the routine you are trying to maintain doesn’t take shape.  Work on increasing patience for behavioral changes in your child(ren); you may see big emotions or an increase in externalizing behaviors or tantrums.

7. Take 15 minutes out of your day to breathe, meditate, or listening to something up lifting.  There can be a lot of fear-based information out there and it is easily accessible.  Listening to someone else’s anxiety can create more anxiety for you. Stay away from social media if you notice that it is affecting your mood.  Be willing to set boundaries.

8. Make at least one self-affirming statement each day.  Acknowledge how you have been there for your child(ren) and helped them through difficult things in the past.  Remember a time when you’ve dealt with and conquered a crisis. When we are overwhelmed by the negative that means we need to make time to think about something positive.  There needs to be balance in thoughts and emotions. Make meaning out of a difficult situation and discuss that as a family; model the ability to do this for your child(ren).  Keep a journal and write down one thing that you are grateful for, one thing that you enjoyed in your day.

9. If you are at home more, find time to check some of those to-dos off your list, like cleaning out that closet in the basement or organizing old pictures. You can also learn something new, like a new recipe, or reading the book collecting dust on your shelf.  Ask your child(ren) to help you with a task or to participate in something new and make it a collective experience.  Teach them about collaboration.

10. Engage in Pleasant Activities and accumulate positive emotions. Find time to enjoy those around you and make the most of your day.  Make a list of activities you can do individually or together.  Some examples might be: play a game, go on a scavenger hunt, play charades, look through photos, exercise together, listen to music (and share favorite songs), talk about future plans, teach each other something new, tell family stories, engage in a creative activity, watch a movie and talk about it afterward, get dressed up and have dinner, find safe ways to help others.  Generate ideas as a family and take time to engage in the activities you come up with.  Keep adding ideas to the list.

If you’d like to get more support around parenting, especially during this challenging time, email us to schedule an appointment. We are willing to schedule short check-ins or longer sessions as needed.